I Am America (And So Can You!)
by Stephen Colbert
Nonfiction

Stephen Colbert of The Colbert Report is no fan of books, but he has written one. It’s called I Am America (And So Can You!) and it contains 66.5 pictures of the author. What else is inside? Words of wisdom for you, Nation. Words like this:



•“A Real Man is someone who walks through life the way a pilot walks through an airplane. Cool, calm, and checking out the sexy stews. No matter how tough the situation gets, a real man never lets on about the faulty landing gear.”



•“‘But children are our future!” Yes but does that not also mean that we are their past? I don’t understand why we’re helping them. You don’t see union factory workers throwing a benefit for robots.”



•“I’m not going to win any awards for saying this, but the elderly are like rude party guests. They came early, they’re always in the bathroom, and now they just won’t leave.”



•“America used to live by the motto ‘Father Knows Best.’ Now we’re lucky if ‘Father Knows He Has Children.’”



•“All Dogs Go to Heaven? Sorry, kids. It’s only the dogs who’ve accepted Christ.”



•“Did you know ants have sex? It can’t be for procreation—there are plenty of ants already.”



Depending on your politics, I Am America (And So Can You!) is either laugh-out-loud funny or terribly insulting. Whichever it is, Stephen Colbert is afraid of Koreans and baby carrots are trying to turn him gay.